What You Can't Have
by cherryblossom8
Summary: What you want isn't always what you get, and what you get can hurt what you want- this is what Sydney Bristow must learn.
1. Awakening

What You Can't Have

By Cherry Blossom

*_Los Angeles__, __California_

        Her eyes flutter open. She's in a different place than she usually is in the morning. She tries sits up, eyes trying to adjust. Where is she? She falls back into her previous position, moving her hand to the side as if to tip up the clock that sits next to her bed at home to see what time it is. Instead, she hits something big, breathing…and god, warm. 

        Suddenly, her heart does a flip flop as she bolts up in bed. She squeezes her eyes shut and finally wills herself to look at the pulsing body lying next to her, popping one eyelid open slowly, ever so slowly... She hopes it's the person that she wants it to be. 

        It's not.

        She looks down at herself quickly, sweeping her glance at her bare body. Her eyes widen and her hand flies to her mouth as she realizes she has no clothes on.  Frantically she scans the room, and spots her clothes lying recklessly all over the floor. She shoves aside the heavy blanket covering her legs and scrambles to gather her crumpled belongings. Soon she begins to pull them on as fast as she can. She needs to get out of there.

        "Don't go…."

        She catches her breath and stops moving, as the male that was next to her speaks. Is he awake? She prays he isn't….and after a few more tense seconds she confirms that the words uttered from his mouth are simply sleep talk.

        She grabs her purse, that she finds flung near the entrance of the room. She's about to leave when she casts one last glance at the man spent the night with. She can't bear to think about it anymore. She starts to walk faster, her pace quickening. Finally she pulls open the door and closes it soundlessly behind her, and suddenly she's running. Running out of the place. Running away from the world. 

        She's in her car. She fumbles for her keys and backs out of the driveway as fast as she can. She doesn't want to be seen, obviously. She's speeding. To fuck with the speed limit, she decides, pushing the gas pedal even harder. "It's five in the morning," she says to her self after looking at the car's clock, "It's five o clock in the fucking morning."

        Where is she? She's been driving aimlessly, she realizes. She's at the pier. And suddenly she's running to the pier, and she's grasping the railing tightly in her cold hands as tears drop down on her face. She sobs to herself as the sun begins to rise, thinking, "Oh God, what have I done? What have I done?"   


	2. Concern

What You Can't Have

By Cherry Blossom

**Chapter 2**

**[concern]**

*Los Angeles, California

        "Syd?"

She spins around, and she looks back at the person that is speaking to her, eyes wide. She backs up against the railing slowly, her fingers gripping the pier railing so hard her knuckles turn white. "Vaughn?" she whispers shakily. "What are you doing here?"

"He gives her one of those wry smiles, the ones that make her heart collapse. "Do you want me to go?"

"No, no…."she replies quickly. The last thing she wants him to think is that she doesn't want him there. She takes a step forward hesitantly.

"You're crying," he suddenly says, stepping towards her and touching a tear that's rolling down her cheek so slowly…."Why are you crying?"

"It's nothing, really," she replies, turning away, wiping the tears away quickly with her sleeve. 

"Sydney, don't give me that bull shit!" he says angrily, grabbing her shoulder, making her face him. She's frightened by his behavior. He has never acted this way towards her before. Never in all the two years she knew him had he had a harsh word or face for her. He tries to calm himself down. "What's wrong?" he asks in a gentle tone. 

        "Nothing's wrong," she insists, forcing a smile, trying to make him believe her lie. 

        "Sydney." He turns away slightly before facing her again. "I know you too well to know that nothing is wrong."

        "Do you?" she says coldly to him. "I don't think you do. I truly, honestly do not think you do."

        "Damn it, Bristow!" he explodes, extremely frustrated, "why can't you just tell me?"

        _Bristow._ He had called her _Bristow_. She felt like she had been slapped in the face. She staggered backwards slightly….

        "Sydney….I'm sorry-" He steps forward, trying to explain his words, his actions….

        "Don't. Come. Near. Me." She hisses, and suddenly she running away from him. He's trying to chase her, she hears his heavy footsteps striding across the wooden planks. 

        But she's faster. She beat him in Taipei, and she can beat him again. She sprints, and closes the door to the car once she's inside. She's starting the car, fumbling with the keys again, and she sees Vaughn. His hands are pressed against the window, shouting, "Sydney! Where are you going?" Instead of answering she stares coldly ahead, and presses the accelerator.

        It seems that whenever she is going somewhere today, she's running away from something else. 


	3. Homecoming

What You Can't Have

By Cherry Blossom

**Chapter 3**

**[homecoming]**

*_Los Angeles__, __California___

Sydney Bristow sighs and slowly lowers her car window. She sticks her hand outside and a cool morning breeze whisks its way to her. She allows herself to give in to the emotions behind the walls she has build around her, like some kind of a fortress. 

        She has no more tears left to weep. Instead she feels isolated, cold, and lonely. She suddenly wishes that he was here to console her, that he could wipe away her tears and hold her close and whisper to her how everything would be okay. But Sydney knows very well that life isn't a fairy tale. Especially her life. Her life, as she considered it, is as fucked up as they come. 

        "Damn pier," she whispers to herself, not sure that the seeing him made her feel angry or sad or disappointed or maybe even all three. Red light. Stop. Her eyes move up to the rearview mirror and she stares at her reflection. Her nose is looking a little pink, either from crying and hiccupping or just the damn cold weather. She vaguely remembers some people in the airport on their way to LA in shorts and Hawaiian shirts, in November. They had no idea what they were in for. This year's winter had come in early, complete with rain and fog. 

        She sniffs a couple of time and realizes that she's only two blocks away from home. "God," she says as she realizes that her face is a mess. Sydney takes a few tissues from her purse and blows her nose a couple of times, and applies some makeup to make her poofy eyes a little less obvious.

        Green light.

        She drives forward at a moderate pace, checking the rear view mirror to make sure he isn't tailing her. He wouldn't, she decides. He knows it would violate protocol and put both of their safety at sake. 

        He's had feelings for her. 

        She has known too. Known for a long time, and lately his emotions were becoming more and more apparent. Her first clue had been the, "Are you romantically interested in anyone?" line, the one he had used when he was prepping her for the lie detector test.

        What she doesn't know is how she feels about him.

        She stops the car, pulling out her car key. Home sweet home. 

        She walks a bit and finally gets to the door. Slowly, she takes out her keys and puts the right one in the lock and turns it.

        She's in.

        Sydney breathes a sigh of relief and tosses her purse onto the sofa. "Francie?" she calls, her voice high, seeming as if she were her normal self. Whatever the fuck her "normal" self was anyway.

        "Francie's not home."

        Sydney freezes, and looks up at a snail's pace. Time seems to have stopped. And her eyes lock with those she had seen blaze so brightly just the night before….   __


	4. Rose

What You Can't Have

By Cherry Blossom

**Chapter 4**

**[rose]**

*_Los Angeles__, __California___

            She stares back, surprised to see him here. "Hi," she says uncertainly, taking off her coat slowly, draping over an armchair. She looks back down. "What are you doing here." It's more of a statement than a question.

        He looks at her. "Come one, Sydney," he replies, staring at her intently. "Last night…"

        She looks away. "Can I get you something?" she interrupts, striding to the kitchen, opening the refrigerator. Every time she looks at this, she sees another man's hurt expression. Instead of blue eyes, she sees green, green telling her that this is wrong and what she had with him was real. 

        "I'm fine."

        She takes out an unopened bottle of water anyway and for herself she pours some of yesterday's coffee. Sydney gives the bottle to him, and sits in the armchair, face blank.

        "What about last night," she says, and takes a sip of the coffee. She restrains herself from making a face; the coffee is cold and bitter. As she stares at the black-brown substance she remembers him again. His face before she takes off, leaving him at the pier. 

        "I just came to tell you that I don't regret it."

        _I do-like hell.  _

        She looks up, into his eyes. "I….I…." She struggles desperately for words, but they do not come. He walks 

to her, setting her coffee on the coffee table, then draws her up to a standing position.

        "Sydney…" He brings her body closer to his, and she feels a shiver go up her spine. "Don't say another word."

        Then he kisses her, his lips capturing hers, his tongue caressing her lips.

        She can't help it. She knows this is wrong. But she can't stop. This is like a drug for her. She opens her mouth and his tongue enters her, and suddenly her fingers are clutching his blonde hair, rubbing his head vigorously. He strokes her brown hair, and he leads her to the bedroom. Sydney feels herself falling onto the bed, and he's reaching for the buttons on her shirt, but she opens her eyes and pushes him away.

        "Sydney…." He says, his eyes inquiring what he did wrong. 

        "I can't." she says flatly, and she backs away from the bed, away from the bedroom. "I can't." she repeats.

        "Syd."

        "Don't call me that!" she hisses through her teeth. She points to the front door. "Leave."

        "Sydney! I can't just leave," he protests.

        "Go home!" she says, this time raising her voice a few notches. When he doesn't move, she gets angry. 

"Get out!" she screams, "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

        "Okay." His body moves slowly, pale hands reaching for the door knob. His blue eyes look at her one last time before he closes the front door. 

        She makes sure he's gone before she sits down. Emotions run through her, and she can't figure out what they are, there are just too many. She spots a single red rose, thorns cut off, lying on the table. She remembers it from last night and suddenly her heart aches again. Vaughn's face flashes before her. 

_"__Sydney__! Where are you going?"_

        She recalls his voice. It's filled with panic. Panic for what? Was he worried about her safety or her feelings? She isn't sure. But all she knows is that she's frustrated and angry and hurt and ashamed, all at the same time. 

In her anger she snatches it up and tears off the petals, one by one. _I hate you Sark_, she repeats in her mind over and over again, _I hate you. _

        She starts to break down again, although she's not sure why she's crying. She crumbles the petals in her hands before throwing them onto the floor. 

Authors Note: Yup it's Sark. She slept with Sark. Poor Vaughn. Don't worry, this is a potential Sydney& Vaughn fic!!! J


	5. Apology

AUTHOR'S NOTE: THE  MIDDLE SCENE, IN ITALICS, IS KIND OF R. YOU CAN SKIP IT IF YOU WANT TO.

What You Can't Have

By Cherry Blossom

**Chapter 5**

**[apology]**

*_Los Angeles__, __California___

            A few days go by and Sydney recovers quickly. She has stopped crying in the middle of the day. But in order to achieve this "There's nothing wrong with me" goal, she locks herself inside the bathroom for long showers. Showers- not baths- so that the water can cover up the sound of her sobbing. Showers- not baths- so that when she steps out the tears will look identical to the water dripping from her hair. 

        She has avoided Will as well. After he had found out the truth, he had learned how to read her emotions. If he had found out about the thing between her and Sark…. After the discovery of Francie's death, he had changed into a more violent man, eager for an opportunity of revenge. He was not satisfied when Francie's double was killed three years ago. He was almost like an animal; he wanted Sark and Sloane to die, to watch them be tortured and suffer for what they had done to his life.

        Suddenly her beeper announces someone is trying to reach her. Halfheartedly she looks at the screen and her heart falls to the bottom of her stomach as she sees its message-

        _Vaughn- Warehouse_

        It was their number. After SD-6 as wiped out, they started to date each other. When they wanted to rendezvous and found it inconvenient to use phones, they always paged each other with the warehouse message and met immediately at the warehouse. It was like a private joke, something the both of them enjoyed. 

        She recalls their first meeting. She was the one to come up with the message…

_        "Syd!"_

_        She turns around and sees him jogging to her, forehead creased with worry. "What's wrong?"_

_        She lets him into the gated area, and closes the gate slowly after he enters. "Nothing," she says quietly, and she looks up at him, brown eyes mischievous. _

_        "Why did you page me then?" _

_        She smiles, and wraps her arms around him, drawing him close. "I was just a bit lonely," she says seductively, unbuttoning his blue shirt one button at a time, sliding off his suit jacket. "I thought you could keep me company."_

_        "Yeah?" he says, and he smiles, stroking her cheek._

_        "Yeah," she replies, and she slides off the shirt and takes off his undershirt. He's bare-chested, back against the table. She smiles and touches his muscled body. He is like a god, only attainable. She leans forward and kisses him, and their tongues collide. Passion bursts between them. He reaches for her and takes off the sweater she's wearing, and undoes her bra strap, all the while still kissing her. _

_        She moans softly when she's realizes she is half naked, but begins running her hands up and down his chest. He moans and to tease him she breaks away; they're both breathing heavily. Frustrated he makes a grab for her, but she slaps his hands softly away. She undoes the buckle of his belt slowly, and pulls down his pants, revealing his boxers. She presses him closer and she can feel that he's getting harder by the moment, and laughing she sticks her hand in there and massages him a bit, squeezing his groin ever so softly, reaching to his tip to see if there is any moisture. It's there, and she rubs his tip slightly, applying pressure. Another drop squeezes out…Smiling she wipes it off with her finger and brings it to her mouth, suckling her finger. She returns her hand to where it was and rubs him harder._

_        "Syd," he groans. She can tell he's impatient, but decides to keep on teasing. She pulls his boxers down kneels, staring at him. Smiling she sticks out her tongue and licks him tentatively. She likes it and she does it again and again, swirling her tongue over the head. She hears him groan and chuckles to her self and sucks harder and he comes, just as expected._

_He brings her up to height again. Suddenly he exchanges positions with her, and he takes off her pants and kisses her furiously. He takes off her panties quickly, amazed at how wet they are. He smiles and sets her on the table and he climbs on top of her.  She's breathing hard and smiling. He takes his hand and plays with her, sticking a finger quickly up the center, pushing it in, out, in, out. She closes her eyes. "Oh God, don't stop Vaughn, not now." His eyes blaze with intensity and finally he draws out his finger, it's covered with her. Following her move before, he sticks it in his mouth and sucks.  He looks at her again._

_        She laughs, this time giving in to his needs, letting him go inside her and take her for all she's worth._

_        When they are finished he looks at her and pulls her into a hug and whispers in her ear, "I love you."_

        _She's not sure how to reply._

        Her face turns white. The only time Vaughn uses that message other than to meet one of his or her "urges" was when something was really important…

        But there is no point in avoiding him any longer. He knows where she lives, where she works, what she was like in the morning, her favorite foods, her ticklish spot. He knows all of that.

        She sighs and tucks a strand of loose hair behind her ear, and rises slowly.

_*Self Storage Warehouse_

_Los Angeles__, __California___

        He's already here, as she had expected. His hands are shoved in his pockets, and his eyes stare at the ground. As the clicking of her high heels grow louder he looks up, surprised. "Sydney!" he exclaims, rushing to her side as soon as she's in the gated area, "are you okay?"

        It's not the most intelligent way to start a conversation, she thinks, but she says nothing. Instead she looks at the hand he's placed on her shoulder, wishing it would let go.

        "Syd…" he says softly, almost regretfully, "look, I shouldn't have been all nosy about what happened to you before…I'm sorry."

        She licks her lips; they're dry with nevousness. "I accept your apology." She still doesn't dare to look at him. 

He looks at her and sighs, frustrated. "What happened to us Syd?"

        "I…I don't know," she responds.

        He continues. "I mean, we're fine until this week. Something has happened to you, Sydney, and you just won't tell me. Why can't you tell me?"

        She managed to lift her head up, and looks in his eyes as she speaks. "I….." Then she changes the subject. "Do you want us to break up?"

        He stares at her, appalled and bewildered. "Of course not!" he replies, eyes wide with shock. "How could you say such a thing? I love you Sydney. I love you so much it hurts a lot to see you even talk with another guy. I thought you knew that." He stops to take in a breath. "What about you, Sydney? How do you feel about me?"

Author's Note: For those who are a bit confused, Sydney never really knew how she felt about Vaughn before. (in Chapter 2 she says she doesn't know how she feels about him). She never said "I love you" to him in the past either. So Vaughn is now thinking that he may have been her "fling"….god I love angst.     


End file.
